“Yes, I am Broken – but I am Whole” by Karin Ahlers
This is the title of a Jeff Foster poem, that made me understand: I’ve become the woman who I am, because (not despite) I went through hell and back several times. In other words, I wouldn’t be the person I am now without my alcohol addiction. It helped me to cope with dark days and the pain I felt deep inside me. I would still be in this thick fog and vegetate for myself – or even more possible being dead since a while – if I didn’t get it, that life is more than dealing with pain and looking for the quick fix. It didn’t work anymore for me and the downsides became unbearable.
I was struggling with alcohol since I can think. I have had countless attempts to be sober, but the drink was still close, in the back of my head, as an opportunity to slip out of a grim reality. For a long time I was, as they call it, a high functioning alcoholic. I was working always on my limit. If my colleagues became aware of my drinking, I changed the job and often moved on – always struggling with financial problems.
I’ve tried all kind of therapies, even went into residential care – at the end the alcohol was always stronger. I wasn’t ready to give it up for good – too much fear.
Then I rocked bottom for the first time. I fell down the stairs and ended up in hospital. My landlord didn’t want me to stay and my son didn’t want to talk to me until I went back to residential care.
So, I pulled all my courage together and went to Rialto Drug team in St. Andrew’s for help. It was on a Monday morning when I found myself in front of a locked door – no clinic. It felt like a punch in the stomach, all bravery was gone. And at this moment, somebody behind me asked, ‘Can I help you?’. I turned around and there was Brendan O’Donohoe. I didn’t know it then, but from this moment my life changed dramatically: he became my keyworker and literally saved me.
I needed seven months filled with relapses, pretendings and lies before I finally knew: I have to be serious and stop drinking and lying to myself and to others, if I want to have a real life and real relationships with them. Even after this, I still had to hit rock bottom two more times, become homeless, living in emergency accommodation for one year, my health was at risk – and worst of all: my son didn’t want to see me ever again. He had enough.
But during this time I started to go to Smart Recovery meetings, where I’ve learned the tools to cope with my cravings and avoid triggers. And I’ve learned, that I have to take responsibility for my recovery – nobody else could do this for me. I always had a choice: to drink or not to – nobody put a gun to my head and forced me to one or the other. I took any help I could get. I did any course about addiction on offer. And there are lots of them around – for free – I just had to ask for it. That was the hardest thing for me at the beginning, but quickly I realised, if I am open and honest, things came to me and a lot of the ‘big problems’ solved themselves.
I attended the Women’s support group, where I found (and still do now and then) good friends and the support I need. Sometimes I had five meetings a week; never missed one and tried always to be punctual. Recovery is a (long) process, it’s hard work – there is no quick fix or a magic wand. I was convinced, residential care wouldn’t help me in the long term – instead I had to change my attitude towards alcohol completely: drink is not for me, it doesn’t help – in the opposite it makes my problems worse.
After 7 months of key working with Brendan, countless meetings and educational programmes, I was strong enough to realize that my drinking is a coping mechanism for underlying issues, too painful, to let them come up. I finally understood, if I want to change my life, I have to become serious about it. That meant in the first place: to be honest with my keyworker and put all ‘my shit on the table’. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done (and not just for me, I believe): to overcome my deadly fear of rejection and for the first time I felt safe enough to trust somebody. Deep inside I knew, he wouldn’t let me fall – and I wasn’t disappointed.
At this time, I lived in a hostel, not knowing where I would be the next day, always afraid to sleep on the street. After admitting to Brendan that I had no money, nowhere to go and being on my own, things began to change: I got a room in Emergency Accommodation, where I could stay as long as I needed. No more rent problems and insecurity. At this point, I broke down completely, heart attack. I felt so weak, I could open doors only with two hands. I was freezing all the time – nothing could warm me. For one week I slept most of the time, not able to do anything. Then and there I decided to stop drinking. It was the 9th April 2017 and since then I am sober – without major problems, no regrets, no struggling. Just so. Brendan helped me to get on the housing list and one year later I got a nice apartment from City Council.
By then I was ready to accept counselling – it was another hard decision, because Brendan was the only one I’ve ever trusted. I couldn’t imagine to tell my story all over again to a stranger. But again, I was very lucky: first I had Paddy Lyon, who gave me the confidence to let drinking behind me and then Patricia from Hesed House, who helps me to live with my traumas. I feel good and confident with my recovery. The relationship with my son is better than ever – I have an Irish daughter in law and a wonderful Irish-German granddaughter. I could pay back all my debts, living in a good place and my health is back to normal.
Why did it work for me?
1. I had to accept that I am addicted to alcohol and that I’m not able to cope with it on my own.
2. Taking responsibility for my recovery. I always have a choice.
3. The strong belief, that I can make it – if I take any help that I can get.
But most important was the relationship with my supporters – and for me it is in the relationship with my keyworker that came first. One can call it coincidence, but I believe, at this moment at the locked door, somebody was watching over me and send the right person. Without Brendan I wouldn’t have made it. He gave me the safety and trust I needed to face and tackle my demons. My trauma issues are not gone, and they trouble me now and then – but thanks to my counsellor, I can accept them as part of who I am.
At the end: to stop drinking was not the hardest thing for me. Stop pretending and lying was harder. The most difficulties I had, was to find out, who I am without addiction? What do I want to do with my life? For a long time, it was very confusing – I wasn’t sure what I’m feeling. But this is still better than being numb and unable to feel at all. There are many things around, I can do. They give me so much more satisfaction, than alcohol ever could. The best feeling is, to wake up sober, no hangover, not feeling guilty and ashamed and being present to see and enjoy my grandchild and all the other good things waiting for me.
I am grateful forever for all the help and support I’ve received on my way to recovery.